I have never had a girlfriend. Not one. There was a brief period in 5th grade when I hung out with the same girl at recess for a few days in a row. She shared her lollipop with me once and I thought things were getting pretty serious; I woke up the next morning with strep throat and that was pretty much the end of that. Romantic, I know.
For most of my life, not having a girlfriend was really no big deal. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on much. I observed from afar as my friends entered and exited relationships during high school that all turned out to mean absolutely nothing. When I think about it, I never even tried to pursue romantic relationships because I was completely confident that no girl would ever want to date me.
Whether my reasoning is flawed or ignorant is up for debate, I still struggle with my own thoughts about this issue, but the fact of the matter is that any girl that would potentially date me would have to take care of me as well.
I can’t drive, so she would always have to drive. I can’t give hugs or hold hands. I probably couldn’t get in her house. I can’t sit anywhere besides my chair. I’m fragile as shit. My hips and knees and elbows and wrists all have very severe contractures, which means when I lay down I am pretty much stuck in one position. I can’t hold my fucking head up sometimes. I can’t even begin to fathom how sex would work. Oh, also the tiny fact that unless a miracle cure is found in the next few years, I’m going to eventually die and that isn’t a turn on for most women. All of these facts are constantly running through my mind whenever I think about having a girlfriend someday. She would have to be a freaking superhero.
At the same time however, mentally and emotionally I am more than capable of being in a relationship, and that is the problem. In my mind I want to believe that I will eventually find someone, but I realize the chances are slim to none.
I don’t even know what to say.