This took place approximately two years ago. Please understand that I still feel terrible about the events that unfolded. Don’t judge me.

On a boring day in the middle of 11th grade my friend rode the shortbus back to my house with me to chill after school. Before I go any further, yes I was forced to ride the shortbus throughout high school; they were the only busses that could accommodate wheelchairs. Naturally, my friends never let me forget that maybe I belonged on the shortbus whenever I said something stupid. Anyway, my friend came back to my house after school and we were really bored so he suggested we go on chatroulette.com

For those of you who have never heard of chatroulette, (come out from under your rock) it is basically a website where you can video chat with random people from all around the world. A majority of the people who use the site use it to satisfy their exhibitionist fantasies. In other words, you get paired up with lots of old, fat dudes jerking off. However, every once in a while you get the opportunity to have an actual conversation with someone from another state/country, which can be pretty interesting.

We went on chatroulette to see if we could find any good-looking girls to talk to, and to neither of our surprise, it was mostly dicks. Whenever we did come across fully clothed, normal people they usually would say something along the lines of “What is wrong with that kid’s head?!?!?!” because like I mentioned before, my head is proportionally large to my body. No joke, a douchebag British kid asked me to pull my sleeves down because my skinny arms were creeping him out. We decided I would scare away any girls that we might potentially have the chance of talking to, so my friend positioned the laptop so only he could be seen in the chat window, our plan was to introduce me if someone seemed cool enough to not flip out.

Using this method we came across a girl who looked to be about our age and my friend started making small talk with her. I think she was from New York, but I could be wrong. She wasn’t drop dead gorgeous, but she wasn’t ugly; her looks really had nothing to do with it at this point, we just wanted to talk to someone other than a penis. She told him she was bored too because she had to babysit her sister until her parents got home.

I whispered to my friend to introduce me and let me come in to the video. This particular friend of mine is really witty, so he capitalized on this opportunity to do something funny.  He told the girl that he happened to also be babysitting someone… his mentally disabled cousin. Initially, I think he just said that to fuck with me.

I’ve pretended to be retarded to make people laugh many times, so when he turned the camera to me, I put my T-Rex arms close to my chest, crossed my eyes, and tipped my big head to the side. She completely bought it; there was no reason not to. I can make myself look straight up retarded. She also expressed how bad she felt for me and how nice my friend was for babysitting me. I sat there pretending to drool.

To be completely honest, I don’t know which one of us thought of our next move, so I will say we both thought of it/agreed to do it. My friend said something along the lines of “Yeah we are on here trying to find some boobs because this little guy has never seen them, but we’re only finding dicks.” I made a sad face.

You need to try to understand how hard we were both resisting laughter at this point. The girl replied that I was so cute and that all the dicks also repulsed her. In the heat of this comedic moment, my friend asked her if she felt like showing his retarded cousin her boobs. I didn’t know what to do so I just kept my retarded face on and tried my absolute hardest not to laugh; I just wanted to see her reaction and then I would stop.

As if this whole situation was completely normal and happened to this girl all the time, SHE STOOD UP, TOOK THE LAPTOP INTO HER BATHROOM, AND TOOK HER FUCKING SHIRT OFF! Hello boobs.
 
My friend fell off the chair he was sitting on. I started non-coherently apologizing repeatedly in between laughs of disbelief as I closed the Internet browser as fast as my T-Rex arms would let me.

I had just pretended to be mentally retarded to make a girl show me her tits. I don’t know if it gets worse than that in terms of abusing a disability.

We layed/sat there stunned for a lengthy amount of time. Then we decided we were the worst people on earth and promised never to tell anyone ever.